A Little "Woe Is Me" Rant
I'm not sure if it's because it's almost that time of the month or if I've just been worn down enough that these sort of things are affecting me, but I have been feeling really low the last few days. To offer some background, there's a guy I've been seriously talking to for a couple of weeks. We went on a date (Red Robin) and ended up spending the whole night at his apartment watching movie after movie. He seemed to be really into me, but I don't pretend to know anything about that having never had a boyfriend. I had made it known that I'd be busy the coming weeks, what with midterms, a professional event, and various fraternity functions. He said he understood and we continued to text each other almost daily. Then the texting started to peter off, as usually happens when you haven't seen someone in a while. Then it got to the point that he rarely responded and any attempt to initiate a physical meeting was rebuffed. It started to really go downhill about a week ago, all thanks to facebook. Thanks to the new little real-time facebook-on-facebook thing (y'know, that scrolling bar in the top right corner of your homepage that shows you what everyone is doing), I was able to see a conversation he was having with another girl. Normally this wouldn't bother me, I'm well used to all of my guy friends having several female friends and I myself have quite a few guy friends I communicate with regularly. No, what bothered me was that, barring some subjects, this conversation perfectly mirrored our first conversation. As my mind is wont to do, I started to see parallels. Was he going to start texting her soon? Go on a date? Spend the night watching movies? I had a slight advantage over her, a stranger to him, in that our best friends are dating.
Then came the real kicker - I got snubbed. Publicly (or as public as facebook can really be) ignored. Blanked. Given the cold shoulder. Call it what you will. I was shocked, hurt, and not a little pissed off. "New Girl" commented on the photo and got a flirty response. Another friend of his commented and got a response. I comment...no response. And yet, the person who responded after I did got a response. Coincidence? I have a feeling it's not. Also, not the most mature way to handle things. I've always thought that if you aren't interested in a girl after the first date, you should be pretty clear about it. I can certainly take a hint, but I would greatly appreciate it if you didn't draw it out and get my hopes up. On his head be it, though. I will still be going out with our mutual friends at Halloween. I will be at our annual Thanksgiving potluck. I will be at just about every party my friend throws. If he wants things to be awkward, then let them be awkward. I tried to be friendly, I tried to show that I was cool with not dating and just staying friends. If that's unacceptable, so be it.
All of this got me thinking, though. I didn't get asked out until I was a college freshman. That was two dates with a guy from one of my classes. Two dates that felt like I was just hanging out with a friendly acquaintance. He didn't seem to show any interest in progressing things (or at least I thought so from his complete lack of physical contact outside of the awkward hugs we exchanged at the end of the night). He, too, did the whole "avoiding game" thing, made even more awkward by the fact that we practically sat next to each other for two hours, three nights a week. It's been two years since that first awkward foray into the dating game and the last time (before this latest debacle) that I was asked on a date. Sure, I've hooked up with guys. Guys that I had hoped would at least take me to dinner before trying to get into my pants, but whatever. Girls have needs too and my "main squeeze" and I have an understanding. I don't have any expectations from him to be more than a friend-with-benefits and he knows that I won't push for dates or public acknowledgement. It works for us and is the closest thing I've ever had to a relationship.
What gets me, though, is those thoughts that creep in late at night. Why am I not good enough? What do I keep doing to screw up these potential relationships? Do I have an annoying habit or nervous tick? Am I too soft-spoken? Too opinionated? Not pretty enough? Is there something wrong with me that I can't see? For someone who has only recently come into themselves confidence-wise, these are incredibly scary and destructive things to think about. Laying in bed dissecting every interaction you've ever had with a person, even your friends. You even start to wonder if your friends actually like hanging out with you or if you're just an annoyance to them, too.
I know all of this may sound incredibly immature and like middle school drama, but considering that most girls have their first boyfriend in middle school, I guess you could say that I am developmentally on track. I'm going through all of the self-growth and doubts that so many 11 and 12 year old girls are going through with their first relationships. I like to think (hope) that girls more experienced than I am go through the same things, but as I always play my cards close to my chest, my friends will likely never know and never be able to give advice until well after the fact. In fact, only my mother, sister, and fraternity mentor know I even had a date. And that was simply because I was talking to them when he asked.
Oh well, c'est la vie.
Then came the real kicker - I got snubbed. Publicly (or as public as facebook can really be) ignored. Blanked. Given the cold shoulder. Call it what you will. I was shocked, hurt, and not a little pissed off. "New Girl" commented on the photo and got a flirty response. Another friend of his commented and got a response. I comment...no response. And yet, the person who responded after I did got a response. Coincidence? I have a feeling it's not. Also, not the most mature way to handle things. I've always thought that if you aren't interested in a girl after the first date, you should be pretty clear about it. I can certainly take a hint, but I would greatly appreciate it if you didn't draw it out and get my hopes up. On his head be it, though. I will still be going out with our mutual friends at Halloween. I will be at our annual Thanksgiving potluck. I will be at just about every party my friend throws. If he wants things to be awkward, then let them be awkward. I tried to be friendly, I tried to show that I was cool with not dating and just staying friends. If that's unacceptable, so be it.
All of this got me thinking, though. I didn't get asked out until I was a college freshman. That was two dates with a guy from one of my classes. Two dates that felt like I was just hanging out with a friendly acquaintance. He didn't seem to show any interest in progressing things (or at least I thought so from his complete lack of physical contact outside of the awkward hugs we exchanged at the end of the night). He, too, did the whole "avoiding game" thing, made even more awkward by the fact that we practically sat next to each other for two hours, three nights a week. It's been two years since that first awkward foray into the dating game and the last time (before this latest debacle) that I was asked on a date. Sure, I've hooked up with guys. Guys that I had hoped would at least take me to dinner before trying to get into my pants, but whatever. Girls have needs too and my "main squeeze" and I have an understanding. I don't have any expectations from him to be more than a friend-with-benefits and he knows that I won't push for dates or public acknowledgement. It works for us and is the closest thing I've ever had to a relationship.
What gets me, though, is those thoughts that creep in late at night. Why am I not good enough? What do I keep doing to screw up these potential relationships? Do I have an annoying habit or nervous tick? Am I too soft-spoken? Too opinionated? Not pretty enough? Is there something wrong with me that I can't see? For someone who has only recently come into themselves confidence-wise, these are incredibly scary and destructive things to think about. Laying in bed dissecting every interaction you've ever had with a person, even your friends. You even start to wonder if your friends actually like hanging out with you or if you're just an annoyance to them, too.
I know all of this may sound incredibly immature and like middle school drama, but considering that most girls have their first boyfriend in middle school, I guess you could say that I am developmentally on track. I'm going through all of the self-growth and doubts that so many 11 and 12 year old girls are going through with their first relationships. I like to think (hope) that girls more experienced than I am go through the same things, but as I always play my cards close to my chest, my friends will likely never know and never be able to give advice until well after the fact. In fact, only my mother, sister, and fraternity mentor know I even had a date. And that was simply because I was talking to them when he asked.
Oh well, c'est la vie.
posted by ms_aly at
9:18 PM
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